yay! I'm the queit loser! I love my pathetic little life
(this is old and unedited, I feel fine today)
So I pull myself out of myself (which is akin to rolling a boulder up the grand canyon)
Everytime I do, just a little bit, someone does something to me and that boulder falls on me, making me have to force it off myself.
So then I am left alone, to think about it. I love being alone, which doesn't help me come out of myself.
Eveybody acts like I'm some sort of angel, WTF!!!!????? I'm not.
I know who I am, the chick who I am with my boyfriend.
The girl who hates the world, uses cuss words every other word and doesn't give a shit about anyone.
When I'm around people, everyone and everything bothers me and suddenly I feel like I have the pain of the world. I have to help everyone and everyone will love me.
Then the wrong people love me....which makes everything worse.
(my computer is still acting up)
Anyway, I still sit here at this computer and pity myself.
I keep wondering what is wrong with me, because I feel like garbage.
Jay isn't over here, which makes me lonely and afraid.
It's pathetic that I can only be my true self around him.
Part of me has that ego like, they don't deserve to know me.
(which who does hahaha)
I already know I'm probably insane, beyond the normal level of insanity (because we are all insane).
Anyway, it's horrible when jay isn't here. I get really depressed, scary depressed.
I kinda wish I was drunk, because at least I wouldn't notice it as much.
it doesn't make it worse, it makes me into an idiot.
I guess all I really want to to be happy. Not like, oh yay! I'm so fucking happy, like content.
Right now, my life feels like a dark alley, where you are constantly wondering what else could go wrong.
My family acts all encouraging, like everything is wonderful...until I'm committed to the wrong decision.
As much as I love Jay....there is that little voice saying, maybe he isn't going anywhere, maybe he isn't treating you right...that horrible voice of doubt.
I'm not sure what to do about it, because we both have done some pretty shitty (and pretty cool) things for/to each other.
I dunno if I'm actually bothered by all this, or attached to sitting around feeling sorry for myself.
then I hate myself for pitying myself, then I lose confidence...and it goes downhill from there.
I'm done. Today was...uneventful....