I am starting to see how much I really do live in fantasy. Either it is the fantasy of poor me and what happened in the past or the fantasy of what might happen in the future, neither gets me anywhere right now. I mean yes I need to plan for the future, one gets tea ready to drink, because one plans to drink it, but I don't have to create situations that haven't happened yet and may never happen. For example I was creating a whole relationship with someone in my head, knowing it wasn't going anywhere, then worrying about it. Or how digibytes are going to moon overnight and I will be rich. I don't have to sit around worrying about the past and what should have happened, because it already happened. I have now and now is enough to worry about. So much is happening right now. My decaf is cooling. I could clean my room. I am writing this entry. Plus everything else, like preparing to move, being abstinent, staying sober, and just the basics of clearing my head. If I wanted to be truly Buddhist about it all this moment would need to consist of is me sitting in a chair clearing my head, or under a tree clearing my head.
I was thinking today about my illness and how my symptoms are while staring at my little Buddha statues and I wanted to cry. It isn't my disease it is my past actions and possible future actions. And after what I just said I know it makes no sense, but it was how I felt.