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[sticky post] Copyright

Copyright Corrine Chancellor 2002-2018

Sorry if this repeats, it keeps coming off sticky.

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One thing about me is I don't read my writing much at readings, when I do read it is usually ackward, quiet and I have trouble making eye contact. I was offered a chance to read yesterday, but I turned it down. I didn't know what to read.

It's the little things

Yesterday I noticed the lady in front of me at the store was buying cards, multiple cards to give to people. The man behind me was buying roses. While I can't confirm they are for other people, knowing people are thinking of others brightens my day. Then today the lady crossing the street had two boxes of cookies she was bringing into the building, a hospital and she was dressed like a nurse. I never noticed these things before and it just felt good to notice how much good there is in the world.
I wrote something reckless, now I regret it. I keep this blog to feel wise, but in reality it does the opposite. I'm only as wise as myself in this moment, maybe as wise as whoever I choose to listen to properly.

I should clarify that I was on far less medication at the time and still drinking, not that it excuses unacceptable behavior, but it isn't the same behavior I have now. Thanks for reading!
I just had a post, it was up for two minutes, but I erased it. "Sometimes peace is better than being right." At least it is better than being an egotistical fool on the internet.

False Alarm

I have realized the other day when I thought someone was "hacking my account" was probably nothing. I probably just had the wrong password on my phone, then when I tried to change it on my computer I probably just entered it wrong too many times, because I made a difficult password (I do that). Then it banned me, when I reset the password it let me back in. So now I can breathe.

My diagnosis

I don't want to go into detail, but my schizoaffective disorder didn't start with gang stalking like many victims. It was first observed by others years before as "psychosis" long before I was even given a label of schizoaffective. To everyone it is just another one of my symptoms. At this point no one else can verify it is real, so I guess it isn't. It just felt so different from other hallucinations, I mean psychosis doesn't hack your email or your blog.
I am starting to see how much I really do live in fantasy. Either it is the fantasy of poor me and what happened in the past or the fantasy of what might happen in the future, neither gets me anywhere right now. I mean yes I need to plan for the future, one gets tea ready to drink, because one plans to drink it, but I don't have to create situations that haven't happened yet and may never happen. For example I was creating a whole relationship with someone in my head, knowing it wasn't going anywhere, then worrying about it. Or how digibytes are going to moon overnight and I will be rich. I don't have to sit around worrying about the past and what should have happened, because it already happened. I have now and now is enough to worry about. So much is happening right now. My decaf is cooling. I could clean my room. I am writing this entry. Plus everything else, like preparing to move, being abstinent, staying sober, and just the basics of clearing my head. If I wanted to be truly Buddhist about it all this moment would need to consist of is me sitting in a chair clearing my head, or under a tree clearing my head.

I was thinking today about my illness and how my symptoms are while staring at my little Buddha statues and I wanted to cry. It isn't my disease it is my past actions and possible future actions. And after what I just said I know it makes no sense, but it was how I felt.

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I wrote a million words about me and mister, but the lesson was get to know people before getting involved with them. If you fail to do that and they do something you cannot accept, have the courage to leave even if you love them. If you cannot do that, accept yourself and what happens to you. There was this great fortune I got when I was with Mister it said, "You can see through people or see people through.". Trust is hard to build, once it is broken it can be hard to repair as they say. Now I am learning to have the patience to build trust with people before getting too involved. Both for them and for me.

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Feb. 26th, 2018

When I fill out internet quizzes I seem like the coolest, kindest, best person ever, but when I am out in reality truth smacks me in the face and makes me realize I was lying to myself on those quizzes.

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