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It's all part of my recovery

from schizoaffective disorder, trauma, and everything else

My history:
I attended Shining Moutain Waldorf School in Boulder. there I was a hippie wanna be who still cares deeply about the earth and it's holistic future. It was a private school, though not all Waldorf schools are private. There I was bullied, but I cannot say by who due to privacy concerns. My upstander is now a leader in the Bully movement, it even made her and her friends into a target but she remained a loyal friend. At a young age I started dating my first boyfriend Jay, a relationship that lasted almost a decade. We were close friends, but due to privacy concerns I cannot go into detail about Jay. I had a wild short lived goth mania punkish phase. I met a man I renamed Mister. He made me see I'm not a punk and never really was much of one, but he also taught me the importance of punk values. Among those values were self-reliance, financial equality, anti-slavery, anti-discrimination, and many other values not much different from what hippies believe. Another person not related to this blog in any way started an Instagram account with my username, but her story and her identity is very different from my white, cis, mentally ill, and female identity. I care about truth and accuracy more than whether or not people mistake me for being of any socially misunderstood group. I also happen to have a delusional disorder, so I do say untrue things at times like thinking I have money or powers I don't have. Right now I qualify easily for food stamps, so my finances are not exactly stellar. Another thing people get confused about is my diagnosis. It has gotten updated several times. First it was psychosis nos, then paranoid schizophrenia, bipolar nos with psychosis, and now schizoaffective. I feel brave enough to speak about it, because silence and hiding seems to lead to far more problems. I do not encourage people to be so open about it, because there was a time I never shared it. If you have a real diagnosis listen to your health providers and employment advisors before disclosing such information, because it's protected by HIPPA for a good reason. If you feel confused at any time reading my blog feel free to ask me, it might take some time to get a response, but I do answer all my comments. Right now I don't feel safe sharing personal details online and am working on editing old entries to share for those who missed them or feel nostalgic for them. Thank you for reading!

My mental health history:
I've had symptoms most of my life, but I wasn't diagnosed until 2008. I recently had a complete psych eval determining I had schizoaffective disorder, alcoholism (in recovery 2+years), and PTSD. I wasn't always so open about it, but I don't care who knows anymore. It seems more important to speak out, than to hide for the sake of privacy for a good normal career I can't work anyway. I was vocal on livejournal about my bipolar disorder, but the diagnosis was updated to schizoaffective in 2013.

Blog history:
In 2001 my classmate and dorm neighbour Casey Kahn committed suicide, I missed his memorial. The same week I was informed of his passing my grandfather passed away on Thanksgiving. No one was available to help me, so I turned to the internet. At first I visited a forum for suicide losses, which no longer exists. Next I started answering questions on studentcenter.org under the username bluevellocent to distract myself from the grief, this website is also gone. The cool kids there were bloggers on deadjournal, so I followed them there still under the name bluevellocent.deadjournal.com. I got a code for livejournal from a friend on deadjournal, smiles and spiders, who was suspiciously like a friend at film school named Lucus. I started this blog under the name chocolat_muse, until I changed to the current username. Sometime later I made vellocent.tumblr.com for web art 1, which is a reblog with a completely different style of content, mostly sharing other people's poetry, gifs and favourite quotes. Someone else liked my story about mister and made an unauthorized instagram account under the same username (lostthekey). Lost the key is not a unique username and other people have written under it, I try to link all the blogs I own to each other so people know they are the same person. Unfortunately, the real mister story had no happy ending, but it was nice for what it was while it lasted. There is now a big controversy of who the real thing is and who the imposter is, I have withdrawn from posting about it and am taking steps to protect future content (and whatever I can do to protect past content). One quirk people don't get is I self deprocate as humor, I don't really have that low of self esteem, but I just laugh at myself and my illness (okay, actually I did have that low of self esteem and now I use it as humour). I'm not trying to be offensive towards the mentally ill, but if it bothers you please comment and tell me. I'm simply suffering from a mental illness and it helps me to cope with it and accept it with humour. I recently renamed the blog rai-key, I never liked the name lost_the_key and decided to use a combination of key and my high school nickname so I'd retain some of both my past both IRL and online. In 2014 I came out as the real author to a crowd of hostile art students who refused to this day to believe me or give me credit for it. My intent was never to claim it or to get anyone in trouble by what I said about them. I had created two separate identities and I wanted to merge both into my real identity. Here I had inadvertently created a hero or higher self and she was disconnected from my offline identity. Having the two merge means I have a more honest blog and a more honest life offline. I had no idea people get suspicious when you reuse your own work or I would have written completely new content for the thesis project, which I am working on for the second version of the thesis project. I did include at least one draft from my computer, but that wasn't really enough to avoid a hell of artists hating on me for using my own work. Anyway, I hope you find the ranting and complaining about my life helpful. I think my highest purpose here is sharing knowledge answering questions on thequestionclub when mental illness comes up, though even then I'm over estimating the value of my wasted time...

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