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Valentines day

As I walked by the adorable owl plant holders at Sprouts today I was reminded it is Valentines day and I'm celibate. I thought of lost loves and grew sad, a mindfulness thought interrupted if you think about loss and lose sight of the present you will be sad all day. I continued to shop. Facebook popped up a meme from grumpy cat from three years ago and it is just as true today, "roses are red, violets are blue, it is valentines day, leave me alone.". It disappeared before I could hit share. A man told everyone he loved us at group, so at least someone said I love you to me today. I eyed a big box of chocolate at the chocolate factory, buy I don't eat extra sugar anymore. Otherwise it has been a normal day. I wanted to take a moment to write about compassion. To me it is feeling sadness for the sadness of another or joy for the joy of another. Which is the definition of empathy. It is the tenderness you feel when a bug lands on you and you decide to let it live. You decide it has suffered enough already and feel sadness for it's pain. It is imagining being the fish for a moment so you no longer want to eat fish. To me that is compassion. To say I practice this level of compassion would make me a hypocrite, because I really don't. I'm downright selfish sometimes. But thinking about compassion helps me make better decisions. It helps me not act on the harmful thoughts I have. If you are interested in compassion there are many books on it and I am merely paraphrasing them. I think valentines day is a good day to write about compassion, because it is loving kindness.

Aging again

Moment by moment nothing seems to change. I learn a little more, time passes. The sand moves through the timer. I feel like the same person as I did at 18 as I do now. The sand moves at the same pace, but it seems to move faster now and there is less of it as time moves. My face is getting wrinkles. I fight with bits of tape and consider costly surgeries, but what does it matter I have no husband and no career. I trade my youth for wisdom. My experiences seem to just happen and they cause me to seek wisdom as they also do to my peers. Am I as wise as they are? Am I even as wise as a philosophizing youth? The sand keeps moving. Have I done everything I wanted to by this age? I cannot be an athlete anymore. Dreams and possibilities have passed me by for not acting now, what could I miss by not acting on my remaining youth? Stuck in between youth and old age. I could still fall in love again or follow a new career. I am haunted by regrets, so I focus on the now and advise kids who won't listen like I didn't. My body is starting to fail me. I go to the doctor for new aches or pains, "you are too young for this" she says. Nobody wants to age, but it is the price paid for wisdom. In our society we worship youth, wisdom is cast aside, perhaps this is our downfall.

Grandma was right

"...and the republicans want to destroy public schools..." Grandma said. "Why grandma?" I asked. "They don't want educated people who are hard to control." Grandma replies as she finishes her chicken. Dad nods. I didn't understand, they wouldn't really do this. "Corrine you have to call the senate and congress, they are voting on Betsy Debos Monday.". So I urged my senators not to vote for her. Today I saw Betsy Debos has been confirmed by a tie breaking vote of the vice president. She sent her kids to private schools. She destroyed education in Michigan by creating a voucher program. I attended private school myself, if anyone could have benefited from this as a child I would have. But it isn't about my past self, it is about millions of kids getting an education. I don't know what will happen with this voucher program, but usually the small scale reflects the large scale. In other countries citizens are getting master degrees, we should be fighting to catch up, instead we are falling behind and our leaders are racing to make us slaves. Get an education while you still can. Educated people think and strategize, we are harder to control. Now they want you to think they are doing this so everyone can have a high quality education, but really it is so rich people can save money on private schools and so poor kids may get no school at all when the voucher system fails them. It may end up they leave parents responsible to educate kids. You know mom and dad who are working two jobs need to make sure little jimmy goes on the internet to learn everyday for eight hours since they can clearly handle the hour of homework the teacher gives jimmy to do now. Oh right, like my parents who didn't work two jobs could handle that. Okay I am making a giant leap in logic nobody said they expect kids to be home schooled by the internet. But public schools are already established and working, why fix the problem with a plan that didn't work?! First they had tests to close down schools, now they have a voucher program. They really don't like the poor and dehumanize them. Just give kids the education they deserve so we can have an educated population full of intelligent people. Intelligent people solve problems. They cure illnesses, solve technical issues, create quantum computers and are pretty much essential for the furthering of society. It is a bad idea to make life difficult for nerds, because they will instead spend their incredible mental energy trying to destroy you instead of helping you. I have seen it in rebels. A population full of educated people is full of critical thinkers, this is also true. Critical thinkers are harder to control and all most politicians want is control. So they are motivated to take away critical thinking. So as a citizen learn critical thinking. Get educated if you can.


I stare at the lines on my forehead every morning as I have since they first appeared. They seem to be getting deeper. I tried taping them and applying cream, but it didn't help much permenently. Those lines represent all the wisdom I have gathered from getting older. If I only knew then what I know now, my life would be different. At that age in between having some youth left and some wisdom gained. People read the definition of compassion and I can identify it, even if my practice of empathy is shaky. New pains appear, my scaitica brought me to trusting having needles in my side to balance my chi. I no longer have a wise grandma to ask questions. My mom is getting older and still refers to herself as middle aged as she goes to the senior center. I feel this rush to have kids if I even have an inkling to want them, because time seems to be slipping away. It feels like my whole life is in finals week and everything needs to happen now. I can feel time rushing forward like never before. Anything I wanted to do while I am this age needs to happen now. I begin to have regrets about anything I could have done younger. I'll never have a career as an athlete no matter how fit I get. But I still have time to be an artist and programmer, not much, but there is time. I never understood why everyone was in such a hurry, but I see it now. We are in a race against time, because none of us live forever. Can I even be an artist and a programmer? Do I have the time and energy for both? Do I have the ability to do either? Back to age. Someone told me "age is like nature rejecting you.". Each generation only has so much time to make a difference, then a new one comes along to replace them. I see kids now becoming the youth doing what I once did as a youth. Driving cars, working crappy jobs, and having relationships. I see them in jobs where they have authority above me, in hospitals as nurses and staff. I'm going no where and kids are taking over. All I seem to get are wrinkles and wisdom about what I could have done differently. Mostly I have an illness, I couldn't help getting sick. I do the best I can. Moment to moment I feel like the same person I was at 5 years old just experiencing life, but my body changes and what I can do with it changes. My spirit never changes, it never ages or grows old. It stays eternal. The body was made to decay, I can stay as healthy as I can, but it still rots at some point. All these series of moments experiened take a toll on the body. After all I have survived I am grateful to have the problem of aging, it means I am still alive. It means I have at least this moment to live.

Still mine.

*sigh* I have a rant, but I have already ranted about this topic too much already and I'll annoy people. If I rant about it, attention will be brought back to this topic and I'm not sure it needs it. So you may never know what it was, but you can probably guess by what I rant about often in the past year or so and you can assume it would sound very similar. Thanks for reading!


So if this is truly tyranny by a plutocracy I have some research to do on what our ancestors did...

Man whores

"You hate him, he is a man whore." These teenagers said to their friend in the locker room. "You cannot seriously go out with him Kelsey. Please tell me you haven't slept with him." They continued. "No, we just hung out." Kelsey replied. Oh if only I had such friends to save me from Karl or any sense to be better than that. *sigh* Society labels these men players, but I am glad to see teenagers see through these guys.
When I got accomodations at school people thought my life was somehow easier. It was only to get where the normal kids were. Not to say other people are not struggling, because I have talked to enough people to know "normal" can vary. But this isn't about defining healthy. I feel like I am trying to live a normal life while living a disabled life. I have to do everything for my recovery in addition to living my life as a regular person. The illness makes me feel like death is chasing me at every corner, if I strain myself too hard I know death is right there waiting. Not from depression or alcoholism, but schizophrenia. These episodes come on suddenly and despite efforts to control them they take over and can be deadly. I'm still pursuing the disability case over the schizophrenia piece of my disorder (well techically I have schizoaffective disorder), because I worry the stress from work could trigger me and these disability judges don't take it seriously. They don't listen very well. My case went to the appeals counsel and got denied. So I brought it to a federal lawyer, she found that the original judge from the hearing thought I worked in a chemistry lab when I actually worked in a computer lab. Two very different things. His whole decision was based on me working in a chemistry laboratory as a work study. Somehow this never came up in the hearing. I no longer trust the decision of this judge or my lawyer. But it is all so strange. I'm trying to recover and prove I can do what normal people with my intelligence and background can do simultaneously. I want to try computer science again. This whole time I thought the disability judge decided I could go back to being a computer labtech workstudy at a computer lab, not a chemistry lab. I haven't studied chemistry since high school. It was like my lawyer and this judge didn't listen to me. I don't know what else they missed, but I imagine more mistakes were made. Anyway, my other life as a computer scientist is coming along. I am reviewing algebra, factoring went well and I felt pretty good about that. I made it through my java programming book. I worked a tiny bit on this website for a nonprofit. I remember failing in the past and it gets to me, but I still want to keep trying. It is time to study now, I study almost every day for a few hours. I try not to wallow in self pity, because I can and have for hours at a time. All it seems to make me do is cry and not get anything done. Life is tough, none of us have it easy. I have a disease that wants me dead, I have several dangerous ones all connected together conspiring against me I have to outsmart daily. It keeps me alert and mindful. Thanks for reading!


But does anyone following Trump realize what he is doing is not good, but evil disguised as good? If it were Bernie would it be the same thing only I would be thinking he was doing good when harm was coming to others? Do any of us really know what is good or bad? Why do we even have politicians if we don' t know the difference between what is harmful and helpful? Or do we think we know? Isn't that ignorance in it's highest form? How many people are willing to sit down and really think about ethical actions? And how much good would it do if they did? Does any of this matter? What about the 18 million people who could have poisoned water at Standing Rock? Okay that last question isn't philosophical, I'm really upset by Standing Rock. Political issues take place in the here and now, to wait for the correct philosophical decision to be made often takes too long, because the decision must be made now or more harm could be done. But do politicians listen to philosophers? Does somebody like Trump listen to anyone else? He seems to be a flawed 8 type on the enneagram with a large ego, not to be offensive, I'm a deeply flawed type as well, but I'm not president either. A mildly flawed 8 could ruin a country. Now his fans would say nothing is flawed about him and he is a great leader, but people do this thing when they admire someone just like we do when we are in love, we don't see their flaws. It is fine, I understand, but the rest of the country sees exactly what your mother or father sees when you bring home someone bad for you. So the rest of us live with the nightmare of Trump every day. Every time he does something "good" it sounds horrific to me. My parents fear the worst and I'm stressed out about what might happen with this man as president. I'm trying to.peacefully accept he is president, but it isn't like when Bush was president. There is something more sinister about Trump. Historians compare Trump to Hitler. I know the fema camps might not be real, but what if they are? We have protests everywhere and a whole sections of the population being demonized. In Nazi Germany disabled people were taken out first, so I'm in one of those populations. He talks about doing scary things. People are blissfully unaware of the news, sometimes it feels better to walk away. He encourages people not to read the news and tells them it is fake. Nobody knows what is real or fake anymore. There is a media specticle keeping anyone who can read distracted. I don't know much myself, I have people screaming at me WAKE UP, sometimes I listen, but reality scares me. I don't know what is going is happen to this nation anymore. I hoped for a more peaceful nation less dependent on oil, but I know Trump doesn't want that. I hoped for a place where people are equal and where we have our basic needs met. But what do I know about political theory. My own ignorance can be my worst enemy. I know little about economics. What happens when everyone has what they need? Is this good or bad? Do I even know? But what about the opposite, it can't be good if no one has what they need and we struggle to work to survive like we do now. Nobody should have to work two jobs to barely afford a place to live, that isn't right either. There has to be a balance between communism and capitalism. Where we work to earn a living, trade, but have free time to enjoy life.

Why I never go anywhere

Nothing you ever do will be good enough
You suck
Everything you do is medicore
Your writing is terrible
Nobody wants to read your blog
You are stupid and will never amount to anything.
Nobody wants you.

This is what my brain is telling me, thanks brain. Best bully ever. This is why I need meditation and therapy.



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