I don't know how my second boyfriend felt, it was too short to know.
"I want to love you, I tried, but I don't." He says the second time we dated ( not an exact quote)
"I love you." I say. "Thanks, I guess I like you." He responds.
I keep saying I want a man to love me for my mind, which after reviewing my journal I am not so sure about anymore. But thinking about my dating history being loved back at all would be different. I don't think I would want the opposite where someone loves me and I don't love him back, because that is just torment. The sad thing is we don't choose how we feel. Just like how I can't shut off my feelings for someone who cannot love me, I can't turn them on for someone who loves me (if such a man exists).
I realize it was selfish to try to keep a relationship going where the feeling wasn't mutual. Not to say you should feel bad for me, I chose to stay. I'm feeling a little sad so it is just one big self pity fest. I don't know why I need to talk about my deep feelings with the internet, I don't feel comfortable saying hi to my friends, so this is awkward. Yet oddly enough I have done this for years. Thanks for reading!