Rai-key (rai_key) wrote,
Rai-key
rai_key

Aging

I stare at the lines on my forehead every morning as I have since they first appeared. They seem to be getting deeper. I tried taping them and applying cream, but it didn't help much permenently. Those lines represent all the wisdom I have gathered from getting older. If I only knew then what I know now, my life would be different. At that age in between having some youth left and some wisdom gained. People read the definition of compassion and I can identify it, even if my practice of empathy is shaky. New pains appear, my scaitica brought me to trusting having needles in my side to balance my chi. I no longer have a wise grandma to ask questions. My mom is getting older and still refers to herself as middle aged as she goes to the senior center. I feel this rush to have kids if I even have an inkling to want them, because time seems to be slipping away. It feels like my whole life is in finals week and everything needs to happen now. I can feel time rushing forward like never before. Anything I wanted to do while I am this age needs to happen now. I begin to have regrets about anything I could have done younger. I'll never have a career as an athlete no matter how fit I get. But I still have time to be an artist and programmer, not much, but there is time. I never understood why everyone was in such a hurry, but I see it now. We are in a race against time, because none of us live forever. Can I even be an artist and a programmer? Do I have the time and energy for both? Do I have the ability to do either? Back to age. Someone told me "age is like nature rejecting you.". Each generation only has so much time to make a difference, then a new one comes along to replace them. I see kids now becoming the youth doing what I once did as a youth. Driving cars, working crappy jobs, and having relationships. I see them in jobs where they have authority above me, in hospitals as nurses and staff. I'm going no where and kids are taking over. All I seem to get are wrinkles and wisdom about what I could have done differently. Mostly I have an illness, I couldn't help getting sick. I do the best I can. Moment to moment I feel like the same person I was at 5 years old just experiencing life, but my body changes and what I can do with it changes. My spirit never changes, it never ages or grows old. It stays eternal. The body was made to decay, I can stay as healthy as I can, but it still rots at some point. All these series of moments experiened take a toll on the body. After all I have survived I am grateful to have the problem of aging, it means I am still alive. It means I have at least this moment to live.
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