I'm closing on a house on friday. This is a HUGE thing I've been working on for years.
Now I'm terrified. What a commitment, tied to this state for what, at least 10 if not 23 to 30 years; and I thought "marriage" was bad.
Up coming is the wonderful 9th anniversity of my boyfriend and I being together. I dunno. It's bittersweet. The commitment sinks in deeper, you start taking each other for granted and sometimes I just worry. I never, ever worried for the first 7 years, god fucking dammit. now I worry. Who is he calling, what is he doing, why did he say that that way?
And what about the fucking future? how is that time I never know will come or not? that unpredictable could end by a sudden comet or the fucking bird flu (bird flu? I live in the city, is a pigeon going to puke on me?)
Now I'm worrying. I should just be happy. I've got at least one awesome job, one awesome guy and one perfect (tiny) house.
I'm drinking to drunkeness at least once every two weeks and I'm happy about work in the first time in my life, except my next four shifts are at the job I kinda dislike. No whining, but I'd be happy to share hours of needless ranting for a small fee.
okay. that said everything.
farewell all for now!
Reflection on this entry 2017
Jay and I broke up less than two years later. I bought the house near a busy street, because he played drums and needed s place where he could make noise. It wasn't a healthy relationship. For one I was getting drunk a little more than I had realized, reading this now I was probably still drunk writing this. I have sold the house I wrote about, because the noises around it made me feel paranoid. It is scary to think I was in such denial about my drinking and the state of my relationship with Jay.