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update (its not deep or philosophical)

Everything is going well. I felt dizzy earlier today washing the chairs at work, Seroquel is not kind to anything mildly dizzing. Not a little dizzy like I felt doing somersalts in tae kwon do, scary I'm not sure if I'll pass out doing this dizzy and weak. My coworkers are all these empathic caring people, so they asked how I was feeling and understood when I needed a break. It's really nice to be around empaths after my experience with someone who I shall not mention. I'm trying to let go of what happened and protect myself from what might happen without seeming completely insane. It's harder than one might think, because even saying I feel I might be in danger people start asking questions and doctors start writing notes or upping dosages of meds to absurd, possibly dangerous amounts. I saw two possibly familiar faces today, but I wasn't sure so I felt okay being unfriendly. I don't want to talk too much about work, because this blog is tied to my real identity. Mister & the fakes may be watching the blog, so I don't want to talk too much about future plans. It feels good to be working, because for so long it seemed impossible and I was fighting with mental health professionals about why I can't. I'm still not sure how it's going to work out. My doctor said, "People see you and they think you're fine, you're smart, you're going to be okay. But you're struggling. You can probably work a month at a job in your current condition (a year ago), but then problems will come up. This is you at a low level of stress." she said (same idea, different words slightly) "Yes, this is me playing video games and goofing off." I replied. But I was being harassed by a gang and felt unsafe. Nobody believes me, but they'd knock on the side of my house at all hours of the day and night to keep me from sleeping. They do things to make people seem crazy, like they are imagining the gang stalking. They keep you up, so you really start feeling crazy, even people without a mental health diagnosis say this online. Then they start getting others convinced you are crazy (get you into an institution), that you commit crimes (get you arrested), or they just plain kill you (dead). Essentially they give innocent people the fate many who do not seek mental health recovery get, for no reason other than living in the wrong neighborhood or having bad luck. If you insist it's happening, people around you insist you are paranoid. Cops say to ignore it, but it's all the time and they are bullying you. They made it so I'd overhear what they were planning, so it wasn't a surprise too, just so I wouldn't seem clueless, but so vaguely it would seem like insanity. They lie to strangers so the most random people would harass me, so they wouldn't get caught. They even told people this is their blog, they take anything and everything they can for the sake of taking it. Even my autobiography is something they decided to take, but didn't really succeed. But they weren't finished, what has happened so far is nothing compared to what they have planned. They still want the blog. They still want to kidnap me and sell my body. They still want my resources. They wanted my house "Our fix and flip!!!" I see more black people in Boulder the last several months than I have ever seen. No so far, they have done a little slander and hacked my email. They frightened me to the point I called the police to deliver me to the psych ward (safety ride, why not I'm schizoaffective anyway, why does it matter?). Anyway, I still don't know what they look like, but they seem to have given up or decided I moved and it's time to pick new people to target. I must be lucky to have gotten away. I hear people say things possibly about me, people are not buying the lies. People see an actually uncomfortable abstinent person covered head to toe in 90 degree weather and say, "Well gee how is this person a slut?! I don't see what this guy is saying." I don't blame Karl, he just trusts that misogynistic pig friend of his too much and doesn't trust women at all, especially not me for whatever reason. Anyway, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy is good. I'm not borderline and it's not particularly helpful for psychosis, but it seems to be helping my depression. I'm grateful to have some insight into my psychosis, as many with schizoaffective do not, they just believe something absurd is true and don't question it. I am open to the idea no one is stalking me, but it also seems to be so real. I distrust Karl so much I believe he is still in town and is somehow responsible for all this. He lied to me three different times I caught him in, so I just assume everything else he says is a lie too. At least Jay was an honest person. I reflect back on Jay's character and comparatively, he is really pretty innocent and it's sort of sweet, just a regular person who was a little damaged and made an honest mistake. I knew Jay 10 years and we were close friends, so it's hard for me to see him as anything except good even as his bitter ex. The only real problem we had in the relationship was we became so comfortable it was like being with family and it had no romance or passion anymore. After experiencing romance and passion, being too comfortable wasn't such a bad thing. I like being alone, but I don't want to go into details in a public post. I'm enjoying some nice tea. I keep getting delusional and thinking this blog is famous and people are talking about it, but I know that can't be possible after I see the stats. I do appreciate my readers, I think of this as a public journal, so I'm surprised anyone reads it. I keep shoulding myself about the past and future, which I know from recovery is the quickest route to depression and unmet expectations. "I should have done this or I should do that." Well, I'm writing now, I'm sober now, I'm abstinent now, what else should I really be doing? I swam yesterday, the air was cold outside and the pool water was warm, which it's usually the opposite. I didn't have a towel getting out of the water so I comically was shaking and saying something like, "Accck! so cold", then I ran into the building so loud other people noticed and tried to hold back laughing. I've been so focused on work I missed yet another therapy appointment. My previous enthusiasm for recovery seems to be dwindling, I know what I need to know to recover, but it's easy to learn something is good for you, but difficult to implement it. If I only could do MEDDS, like they suggest in DBT or even my meditation, exercise, & nutrition. I did meditate Sunday, I was so tired and meditation felt amazing. Exercise I actually do manage to do three days a week. Nutrition is okay, I ate a salad today at least. I'm sober, that is supposed to be good for your health, I take my meds. The biggest thing is worry, because I don't like anxiety meds; at first they work, then people say you start getting a tolerance to them and once you do you're addicted to these "benzos". Here I go ranting again, forgetting these followers will literally say what I say word for word and claim it as thiers. Can I urge you to be yourself, because that is so much cooler no matter how uncomfortable it feels or how scary it can be at first. Genuine connections are such an amazing feeling, I cannot be anything except real most of the time now. Sadly, I have to do this even for this boring entry: copyright Corrine Chancellor 2016 Thank you for reading! Seriously, people rarely read and you chose to read this rather long unedited rant, so thank you!

Just make some lemonade!

So you're supposed to make the best of any situation. I got the gift of health and sobriety from my illness. After the gratitude and making the best of things passed upon being reminded of this analogy, I thought of a different one. Rather than feeling gifted a lemon I don't know what to do with, it's like the comic where life throws lemons at me. I can handle this, more lemons, more lemonade. So I make some lemonade, I see there are seeds, so I plant the seeds. I take the rest of the lemons and make some compost. I start a whole grove and give people lemons. This is great, life has given me the gift of lemons. Until one day someone steals the lemons, takes the farm and when I take the lemons back, they accuse me of stealing them. "Well, how do we know those are your lemons?" someone asks "They have always been mine! Those are my lemons and you are drinking my lemonade. I never had anything to prove, I just wanted people to enjoy a lemon grove." I say. So all the lemon trees died, because nobody knew how to take care of them and I asked for some lemons from charity. "You're a begger, you're no good" they say. "Oh why does it matter what people think, do they think? Why are they so cruel?! Seriously?!" So I cried and they said, "Stop crying baby." I took my new & rotten lemons and planted a secret lemon grove in a hidden farm. So when life gives you lemons and takes them away, protect yourself and forget what people think. When life offers you free lemons, don't steal them from the farmer who made it all possible. Remember what is best for the community, rather than what suits your ego. I'm still grateful for the lemons in my life and hope my grove this analogy is about doesn't disappear. Oh, my other thought was it's like I took the lemons, planted the seeds, and can't figure out how to harvest the lemons. I also happen to live where no lemons can be grown, except maybe indoors. The point is still the same, since it's not really about lemons. Copyright Corrine Chancellor 2016
Still oblivious and paranoid. Not sure if my blog has any following or fame & I'm scared to death someone might harm me to get the blog. This self fabricated stress is hurting my health. yes, this againCollapse )

Life is okay lately. I got a job bussing to pay bills, because I'm not making anything off blogging. I tried to get google ads for my more popular reblog Vellocent, but the content isn't original so they said no. I don't want to bother with ads here, because it's mostly me ranting and I promised my readers some level of integrity with ads. I promised myself at least, I do advertise for causes or people I care about, but those don't pay. I still want to figure out what I can do with a degree in digital art, other than make gifs. I'm working on a series to post here. I'd post them to tumblr, but tumblr owns everything you post there. Then there is the computer science minor I didn't quite finish. It seems like finishing it is better than having a digital art degree, there are too few programmers to meet the needs. I'm just glad to be working again, I never thought I could be on time again. That depressive episode where I was late for two months was hell and being late to work was nothing compared to what it could have done to me. Everyone thought I was making excuses, but I really needed to go to the hospital rather than live for months on end like that. I still have the option to attend grad school, but it took me so long to attend undergrad and it was difficult with the illness to finish. It took twice as long as it was supposed to, partly due to the fact I loved working at the labs and wanted to stay as long as possible. There just aren't any jobs like work study jobs outside of academia. Plus I had the chance to use my digital art degree while I was there. I dunno. I miss the days before this blog was claimed, I regret using it in that stupid thesis project with that mean fool in the class who just hates me and insists on any lie to deny it's mine. She wrote nasty things with the rest of the class and ganged up on me over it. It was just awful and was way too much negative attention over a stupid pointless blog! Some people will make drama over anything to get attention, then this other girl claims it. Seriously?! Grow up, it's a blog, it's not yours, accept the truth and move along. Yeesh, how hard is it to accept the truth? People will ruin a good thing simply by lying to themselves or others. Or I'll ruin my own blog over paranoia and delusions. I'd like to know which it is, but people claiming your blog or denying it's yours are not exactly up front about it. They do things like hacking your email and fucking with things that don't belong to them like someone did a week ago with my hotmail account. This time they did it in such a way it was clearly not a bot or a simple hacker. The nerve of some people is absurd, they get negative attention since they were kids, so they just hurt people for fun and think it's hilarious. I listen to songs in case people are stealing my ideas, sometimes I swear they are and these are famous people! I'm just some regular person, white, 34, and broke as can be. I make so little money I qualify for food stamps with the truth. I don't like asking for donations here, because if I ask then everyone with "schizoaffective disorder" will start asking even if they don't really have it. Everyone is looking for an easier way to make money. I often wonder what the motive is behind the hacking and things I overhear about the blog (or hallucinate). It feels like my life isn't going to be much better than this and it's making the depression come back. Life is supposed to be hard in your 20s so it's easy in your 30s, but it's not easy. I'm just older doing the same things I felt too good for in my 20s. Only now I wonder if I'm good enough. I felt better in those computer science classes, even arrogant sometimes. But I failed at that and I'm upset. When I'm well and not distracted by the computer, I can be one of the smartest kids in the class. But other times I get so distracted and I don't study, everything just falls apart & I get behind. I've always had to make my mental health a priority, when I'm so depressed I'm crying until I can't breathe there is no getting work done. So I play a video game and it makes me feel better, so I get carried away. I really need to recover fully before I try computer science again, I want to, but maybe the demand will lessen as the new generation who grew up being prepared for it starts to grow up. I do enjoy my job, food service is great for my social and physical health. I saw another writer at the restaurant today, she is trying to create a place in the community for writers to gather. It also happens to be where artists gather too, so I feel at home there. I wrote a DBT entry about my mood there and writing offline in my journal there was my healthiest state of mind. I remember starting in the labs so long ago my first thought was I could have so much time to blog here on livejournal, then I became afraid of the stigma of bipolar (it was my diagnosis back then) I never blogged from the labs. I did create Vellocent and reblogged so many gifs. Those quotes got me through the depressing lonely breakup with Karl (mister, mr. K, K for Karl). Karl asked me once what his nickname is on the blog and I couldn't get mr. out, so I just said K instead of mr. K. I keep having all these strange dreams about Jay. I guess it's because the last time I was in food service we were still together, it's very disorienting. I haven't been with him for over 5 years, it might even be 10. I haven't seen Karl in person since April 2014, I hope to never see him again as hurtful as that sounds, I am still hurt by how he acts towards me. I should be doing more to manage stress. I take deep breaths and swim. I attend therapy. I know how I should be eating. The whole trouble with being an adult and having an education is knowing exactly how I should be living my life and choosing not to live it that way. I'm sober, that is great for my health, I really have no control over my drinking without total abstinience. I need to stay away from relationships and sex, so the over 2 years of sexual abstinience has been good too. Being a labtech I could finally see how a person could be a 30 year old virgin, you just get so caught up with work and school and your taste is picky, it just happens. Then in food service everyone is so flirty and everything, working in a bar and staying abstinient doesn't seem like a reality for most people who party. I work breakfast, which is different, the pressure to drink isn't there and it's a more innocent environment than a bar. No philosophy today, I'm sorry. My dad gave me this book of philosophy essays and maybe I need to read them. Life doesn't make sense again, my ego still needs to be humiliated by how smart these philosophers were. I don't have tv at home and I like to write. It can feel very lonely, because most people want to talk about tv or less serious topics. I do play video games. Everyone I saw playing video games today was playing pokemon go. I love interactive fiction more, I need a story to carry me, rather than hoarding creative kooky characters. Don't get me wrong, I played heroes and monsters, I love hoarding characters, but after a while I need story or a lesson behind the collecting. I saw yet another big woman and was convinced it is the fake key following me, all I have to go on was this instagram photo of an obese black woman who claimed to be a lesbian who had the same username "lostthekey" and called her lesbian lover "mister" (this person is not me). I happen to be an overweight straight pale white person, not that it matters, you can believe I am whoever you want, just don't go around saying it is your blog. I still want to know who had the nerve & computer smarts to hack my hotmail account. copyright Corrine Chancellor 2016 (c) (I hate to start doing this, but it is technically my intellectual property and I still have to protect it). blah blah blah, mine, paranoia, blah blah blah, fake key, blah blah blah

Bad karma

Sometimes I just get bad karma for trusting the wrong person or living in a bad neighborhood... Every decision has consequences, even kind action towards the wrong person or people can have negative results... Grrr... Whine, whine, whine... Life is unfair..or I'm imagining things thinking these are bad creepy people and nothing is happening... Schizoaffective with gang stalking and a sociopathic ex, how did I go to hell and how do I get out? Copyright Corrine chancellor 2002-2016
"If you cannot help someone, at least don't harm them." - Buddha.

You might think you are helping the "real" key, but I don't want help or revenge... I want to blog on peace without being psychologically abused... I don't deserve it. Whoever taught you to abuse should never have made you feel like you deserve it... Sigh, no matter how much I ask to be left alone you people will keep harming me then move on to harm someone else... Do you really want to waste your entire life harming others?! Really?!

I heard more threats

Now I hear a threat of being burglarized or robbed. I'm already suffering from schizoaffective disorder, I don't even know if this is a real threat. I'm struggling so much financially right now, trying a work attempt without being sure if it will work out. I guess I should be glad I have the habit of blog writing, it's nice to have something to protect. I wish I could draw or create art as passionately as I write, I'd be a creative genius or something. Why steal an autobiographical blog from a poor disabled girl? Do you not really believe I'm poor or disabled? My doctor can prove you wrong. I get that people rationalize these things and make up lies to get innocent people to help them, so don't help me or them. I don't want help, better the journal goes to the wrong hands than you help someone destroy the real thing by mistake. I don't even care if you believe it's mine anymore, I have nothing to prove. I'm just so glad I can write, it's so hard to build the habit of writing or any positive habit. I've completely failed to do the same thing with my art. It's terrible and embarrassing, I have this digital art degree and I can't just open photoshop and create gifs for fun. Art school can be cut throat and snotty, it got to me. I'm so scared learning about writing will do the same thing to my writing. If someone steals this blog, the worst that will happen is I lose over a decade of writing. I've broken bones and gone to psych wards over this stupid blog. I'm afraid I'll attack someone over it. My instinct is to defend this thing with my life even if it's not worth it. The stress is getting to me basically. What are they really going to be able to do with autobiographic personal writing other than intimidate and bully me with it? If they actually succeed they are still horrible people who lie to other people and harm others for selfish ends. They have to live with the karma of being bad people, if they ever get caught (which I doubt they think will ever happen) they'll be labeled violent evil sociopaths who pathologically lie. Gang members who harm others to "win" in life. But what exactly have they won? It's an empty win, a win at the horrible cost of another person's suffering. Likely someone exactly like me, another poor person who has been psychologically tormented for months or even years until they finally find a way to frame another person for murder and the suffering ends in death by their wicked hands. If there is a God what would he think? Does he even care? What would Kant say, if he was a friend he'd roll his eyes at me in boredom and want to continue about his day in peace. How do they sleep at night knowing they have harmed countless people? Why did they pick me as a target? Did anyone pick me as a target? Why do they have to make it seem like paranoia, so I feel alone in my torment? They go around acting like victims, when they know very well they are not victims and it's all an act. Are they delusional like I was and think they honestly write this and I stole it from them? Well, the meds are needed for a reason and I do hope you find help. I haven't always been an innocent person, I rationalized drinking too much. I rationalized drinking so much I could have suffered alcohol poisoning. I enabled Karl and his abuse of marijuana. I saw how it felt to lose a little innocence, but I didn't victimize someone who was suffering as much as I am now. I never told anyone that they killed someone over a laptop. Don't you realize I bought that apple new and registered it? But criminals never commit crimes unless they think they won't get caught. So they do it in the sneakiest way. They make the target look insane as they recruit dozens of people from the community with lies about them which seem absurd. Isn't life hard enough without gang targeting? Isn't it hard enough without being lied about by ex-boyfriends? I forgive you for not being as far along in your spiritual journey, but it's frustrating and making my spiritual journey impossible to constantly feel unsafe. Sarte said, "Ethics is freedom for other people." I know how much freedom matters to you Karl, my freedom matters equally as much. Do you not see that? How are you so blind and selfish? We broke up over 5 years ago, please just leave me alone. It's been a long soul draining breakup, I'm so tired of it. Can't you find a younger more sexual person to train to be a prostitute? I've been completely abstinent 2 years now and barely active before that. Even if you succeed, I'm going to find a way to commit suicide on you (if I can I mean literally on you). I don't want to help you in any way, you are a bad person and you need intensive dialectical behavioral therapy or psych meds. It's really not that bad, you are causing so much suffering for me and yourself. I don't mean to embarrass you publically over what might be paranoia, but I'm stressed out over all this and I don't know what to do. I'm having a hard time letting go of my anger towards Karl, he hurt me and ignored my suffering. I can see he too is suffering and needs to focus on feeling better. It's just a very bad time in my life to suffer more, I feel so overwhelmed by all this. I already have past trauma, schizoaffective disorder, and everything else. I feel so drained dealing with all this. I get so angry it frightens me. It doesn't seem fair and I question why I have to suffer so much. I cry sometimes. Nobody seems to believe it's actually happening and those who might seem to be turned against me. I want to go back to writing my blog in peace, but it seems like it may never happen again until I delete it and start another one. But if I do that my fans (if I have any that aren't computer fans whirring) won't know who I am. I know nothing I say will stop these people and the police can't really help me. They are trying to turn the police and other people against me. It's like nobody will listen to me until I'm dead in a ditch somewhere, with her proudly taking credit for my blog. It's private stuff, but I don't care anymore. Copyright Corrine Chancellor 2002-2016

To mister

I still have my integrity and you have karma to deal with. Don't question your bad luck or your failed relationships, because it's all connected to how you treat other people. Lies can get you pretty far, you might even win this battle. You might even get the blog. You might turn the whole town against me. Then one day your luck is going to change, you might not even connect it to what you did to me or to anyone else, but it will change. You may never feel bad for what you did to me, you know I've tried to guilt trip you to no avail. I failed to see guilt and shame only work on people with a conscience. I'm not writing for them to see my innocence, they may or they may be fooled by your clever little lies you spread everywhere like you spread your dick around. No this is for you, because you blocked every other way for me to contact you. You don't like what I have to say, because it's true and it looks deep into your soul and it's pitch black in there. Oh I wanted to love you, you had me going so good. I've never loved someone so much in my entire life, now I hate you just as much. You've become daily conversation of hate and fear. Even now when I don't know if it's you, I blame you, because the hare criteria fits you. Oh the other people reading this don't care, maybe you aren't really a sociopath. Psychiatrists make mistakes, undoubtably ex-girlfriends do too. I'm tired of this, it was a short lovely little relationship before I saw through you. I want to move on with life if I could only stop fixating on you and fearing you. I don't know if all this is my imagination, you or someone else. I don't know why people like tormenting innocent people for fun, I know it's unethical, it hurts and I don't know how to react just right. I hope whoever is causing my suffering finds the spiritual help they need to become a better person who realizes why it's wrong to torment others for fun. Why it's wrong to lie about someone's reputation and how it ruins your reputation when it's obvious you are lying. Obviously you aren't going to stop, so I'm going to have to delete this blog soon. I don't want to, but it doesn't pay and it's not famous and nobody reads it so I see no reason to keep something causing me this much stress. Harriet isn't even here to talk to anymore. I don't really want to delete it unless I have to....I wish you all the best and hope you find a better way to live your life that is less harmful to others.

I do not deserve this

I am a human being equal to you and I do not deserve to be treated like this... Whoever is doing this to me needs psychological help immediately for hurting other people with selfishness... I hear dialectectical behavioral therapy can help bullies and selfish people stop hurting other people and in the process you can become happier and more fulfilled in life... I know bullies feed and thrive off attention and are used to negative attention... I know the fact I feel hurt means nothing to selfish people intend on wrongfully stealing my life's work... I can see you may succeed, I hope God has mercy on your soul and karma is swift...

Oh clever

Hack into my hotmail, I freak out and nobody knows which is the real key... Well I can just keep blogging and nobody will know who the real one is I guess... I hate getting that upset and now I feel embarassed. Great, gotta love giving the right reaction to feed the bullying. I changed the password, but someone turned on two step verification so I can't completely protect it by changing it... Thanks microsoft, you're so helpful. Other than using it to bully me, why does anyone want this blog or access to my hotmail account? It makes no sense to me still... I deserve to be left alone and I feel very hurt by all this... Not that the people doing it care about how I feel as long as they can just keep tormenting me until they find no further use for me. One person does all the work and someone else decides it is worth taking credit for it while the other one cries, breaks bones, and hypo ventilates from the psychological torment...

Nobody cares about me

I'm so tired of being psychologically abused using my life's work. Someone hacked my hotmail account and turned on two step verification so I can't change the password... It's the proof this is my blog...they created a journal and notes folder... I feel hopeless and nobody is helping me... Instead I'm being hospitalized for anger again... I hate my life... People suck. I was created to be victimized and tormented my whole life... I hate people who torment innocent people for fun.. Why isn't she the one getting psychological help, instead I worked for a decade so she gets the credit and I get blamed and labeled as a bad person..."hell is other people"-Sarte I suffer so someone else gets credit, life isn't fair... I never should have told anyone I write a blog, it was fine the whole time it was a secret.

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