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[sticky post] Copyright

This is a reminder all this horrible, unedited, ranting. (err writing) is copyright Corrine Chancellor 2002-2016 Thank you for reading!

Celibate

The longing for cuddles urges me on again as I sit listening to dirty poetry. Why do people write dirty poems? I feel so uncomfortable hearing it next to mom while being celibate. "Hobo Dick on fire" he screams the first line of his haiku as he does every week. It is actually a great haiku done by an educated writer. He says it twice to be sure, since it is a haiku. We go home. I read an article on celibacy. It says what I already know, adding most women are married by age 40. Will I always be alone if I stay celibate? I think more about the crushes I have currently and really consider them more like I did as a teenager. Yes, there is more free time and I feel closer to God. I don't even know if there is a God, but I have more time to meditate. I start to wonder what dating might be like, but I'm still angry and heart broken. I can't stop the angry fake texts to Karl. I was actually texting him not so long ago. I haven't forgiven him yet and I'll take it out on someone else. I don't know if I forgave Jay yet either. I don't have much of a sex drive, but when the thoughts are there it is hard to ignore and they do come up. It is soon time for sleep, the cuddle urge comes back. I grab a pillow, at least it keeps me warm. Another night alone. It's more peaceful than a fight with a lover. There is something about celibacy I love, but something odd and lonely too. I'm not meant to live this way forever, but for now it will do. I consider those crushes again as my intuition speaks, "wait, you have been celibate this long, he isn't the right one. Just keep waiting.". Wait?! I'm 34 and schizoaffective, who wants me? I know I can find men who want to use crazy girls for sex, they aren't rare, but who truly wants ME. "Let go of it all and breathe" I think none of it matters in the end. Time to sleep...

Denial

When you are in denial you will hear whatever keeps you in denial. Voices around you will lull you into a deep sleep. If sombody tries to wake you out of denial you will get angry with them.

A long time ago I became overweight. I was skinny before and just kept wearing the same clothes as they felt tighter. Family reassured me I am thin. One day I was confronted with my weight problem by my boyfriend and I felt angry and hurt. Since then I have accepted I need to lose weight and haven't been skinny for a long time, but I don't wear tight clothes anymore either (I wear flattering form fitting ones). Denial does this, we cannot do anything about a problem until we are aware there is a problem. Now I exercise and try to eat better, I haven't gone back to being skinny, but I haven't increased in weight either. I've accepted my weight as it is and it's okay now. If I was still in denial I could do nothing about it, I would continue to gain weight. I would continue to get angry when people brought the subject up. I'm also in denial of how bad this entry is and must stop writing. Thanks for reading!

Article on insight and schizophrenia

insight and schizophrenia I was curious how many other people in the schizophrenia spectrum realize they are having delusions and how this affects their lives. I'm glad to see I am not alone.

MBTI

I decided after talking with my therapist that I know the MBTI too well to get an accurate "honest" result anymore. (I felt a little odd admitting this, because I had to take a psych evaluation about a year ago and there was no way to fake that. Some of those questions I had never seen before, they showed me these images and asked me questions, like what are you trying to do? I went to DBT just in case and might go again, because I'm too clever for my own good sometimes. Though I did aim to be honest.) I'm an INFP with only slight preferences for feeling, intuition, and percieving so this must be why I feel so confused. It isn't a bad thing, it makes me more balanced. Anyway outside of personalitycafe this stuff bores people, but it interests me. Today was fine. Mom tolerated the snow. I made a mockup of a mobile website at my volunteer job. Then I went swimming. Now I plan on doing some Java programming practice from Java for Dummies by Barry Burd. I'm on chapter 10 and it is quite informative. I almost paniced last night over a return, because it kept giving me an error message (you have to program to understand why computers are this stupid, though sometimes I feel more like the stupid one of the two). It is more scary now when I get errors, because I'm on my own without tutors or teachers to help me even if this is all review. On to programming...
New quiz result, this one has stronger preferences and says I am an INTP. It is only one letter off from my usual result of INFP, so it seems more likely; yet it is still a rare type so I am skeptical if it is an accurate result. There sure are so many INTPs and INFPs on the internet, yet you meet so few in real life...it makes me skeptical of these quizzes and their accuracy. It is becoming a popular trend to be introverted now too. The irony is if people understood introversion at all we don't want popularity. We want to be left alone to think and read in silence and a few friends is all we ever need. I haven't fully tested how strong my thinking versus feeling preference is. I find it is best to live life without overanalyzing this too much, because I get attached to being a certain type or think about everything I am doing as part of the MBTI theory. I'm taking these again, because I have an opportunity to maybe go back to school. Instead of taking these quizzes I might focus on taking personal inventory instead for qualities I have. Analytical, loyal, introverted, and open minded. Those I feel more certain about. It doesn't really matter, what matters if I can do the work of the chosen major and enjoy it.
Yet another online MBTI quiz this one says I am an INTJ. The career center said I am an INFP, so I don't know why I waste my time. I related to the description of the INTJ oddly enough, especially the part about loyalty. It seems highly unlikely this is my true type, since it is for about 1% of the population and all my preferences for it other than introversion were weak. Still it is a nice internet fantasy to think I could have the type of an engineering genius. I'm going to practice some more computer science and forget about this silly quiz.

Relationships are conditional

I was thinking about Karl again. Love seems to be unconditional, but relationships are conditional. Relationships require trust, respect, communication, honesty, and mutual values to exist. Once one of these are violated the relationship begins to crumble. I still find I have feelings for ex partners I have to ignore, because I know this foundation of the relationship has been violated. Of course I might be guilty too, I'm terrible at communicating and this leads to conflict. Having multiple of these violated in a single romantic relationship hurts and can feel personal, even if it is simply that your partner has poor relationship skills. By the time I felt violated it was too late to recover the relationship, once trust is broken it is not so easily repaired. I had this naive idea it could be, but it simply wasn't possible. I was too angry and hurt. I lost self respect. So I guess before my next relationship I am going to review some articles on relationship skills and ask my therapist about it. I went to relationship counseling as a child to cope with my parents divorce. He didn't sense I had schizoaffective disorder. But anyway, relationships are conditional, love seems to be enduring. Love isn't there as strongly as before and it mostly has turned into hate, but it is still there. It turns into empathy, so we don't want to kill each other or anything after the relationship is gone. I feel compassionate love for my exes, maybe not as much as I need to since I kept texting Karl and keep posting about Jay. But it is there. When I say love endures, this is what I mean. I also mean a part of me wants to save the relationship even though I know the conditions of a relationship have been violated and he no longer wants one, which makes no sense to the logical side of my brain. Anyway, here I am overanalyzing a relationship long done.

It's over

Flowers crumpled in the trash long ago
Texts left unanswered.
Fake text essays left on private.
The "I love you" never returned.
The "I missed you too" never said.
Murmurs of rumors heard
Memories of phone pointed at me naked.
Revenge sought for a relationship already feeling like revenge in itself.
Let go and move on become new mantras.
Celibacy without vows became a commitment.
It is time to finally accept it's over, as it has been for years.
Goodbye Karl.

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